Please Select a Reason for Your Clothing Return – The New Yorker

(Check all that apply.)

• Unhappy with item color.

• Unhappy with item style.

• Happy with item color and style, but unhappy in general and
projecting onto item.

• Happy with item color and style, but removing item required a warmup
stretch, a can of WD-40, and a four-day juice cleanse.

• Item arrived defective.

• Item arrived defective at reproducing euphoric rush of purchasing item
thirty-six hours ago.

• Not satisfied with size.

• Not satisfied with fit.

• Not satisfied with size or fit because accidentally purchased a ferret
tunic.

• Size and fit perfectly fine, but still disappointed—perhaps because Todd
was right: nothing is ever good enough for me.

• Item requires total overhaul of current Spanx inventory.

• Package arrived too late.

• Package arrived too early; startled by package.

• Item not as described.

• Item exactly as described, but purchased just for the colorful tissue
paper.

• Drunk-ordered.

• Drunk now.

• Item either arrived damaged or is supposed to have these shoulder
cutouts for some reason.

• Item too large.

• Item too small.

• Item somehow both too large and too small; designer appears unfamiliar
with general shape of human-woman torso.

• Changed mind about item.

• Changed mind about item after accidentally lighting item a little bit on
fire.

• Too flammable.

• Not flammable enough.

• Item clearly designed by someone who hates fabric and wants to make it
suffer.

• Thought item was shirt; actually dress.

• Thought item was dress; actually replacement cover for IKEA EKTORP ottoman.

• Item no longer needed.

• Item no longer needed; and, yes, item smelled like B.O. and favorite
perfume when it arrived.

• Item not as pictured. In fact, item not at all ideal for leaning against
unfinished wood ladder in middle of windy wheat field.

• Bought by mistake.

• Bought by mistake after scrolling through Facebook profiles of
acquaintances until a deep ache radiated inside my chest.

• Found a better price somewhere else, on something else
entirely—something that makes me feel more alive than a beige ribbed
turtleneck ever could.

• Wrong item sent. Right item doesn’t exist. Right item is a lie.
Satisfaction is an illusion.

• Order arrived missing whatever it is that one needs to confidently wear
culottes.

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